How to make everything sound better than it is.

I began my career in advertising where I was paid to put a marketing spin on everything I touched. I turned it into a minor art form. Very minor. In this EWA, we'll review the various marketing-spin claims and examine how they work. As you will see, you, too, can develop a knack for making everything sound better than it is.

Let's cover parity claims, self-referential claims and superiority claims.

Parity claims

The word ''parity'' means roughly equal, yet parity claims sound as though they are superiority claims. How is that possible? All I can tell you is that by a quirk of language, it is not only possible, it is an everyday accomplishment. Have you ever heard?

No other toothpaste fights plaque better.

It sounds like a superiority claim, doesn't it? But in fact, it's a parity claim. It simply says that no brand of toothpaste can do a better job. In truth, it is saying, ''Our brand of toothpaste fights plaque about as well as all the rest.'' But how much toothpaste do you think they would sell if they stated it that way in their advertising?

Other parity claims include:

You can't find a better (Fill in the blank).
There's no better (Fill in the blank).

And how often have you heard this encomium for public figures?

Many people have given back to this community, but no one has done more for the people than (Fill in the blank).

All that statement is saying: This person has done about as much as any other community leader, certainly not more! That's all it is claiming. But most people, upon hear those soothing words, have the impression they're hearing a superiority claim for dedication to public service. Not so!

Self-referential claims

Self-referential claims give the impression of claiming superiority by referring to themselves as the standard. How many times have you heard or read these claims?

Only (Fill in name of store) has (Fill in name of store) prices.

Or:

Only (Fill in name of store) can give you the (Fill in name of store) price guarantee.

Well, of course, only Circuit City can give you the Circuit City price guarantee. Then again, only Best Buy can give you their price guarantee.

Here are two classic self-referential claims. I'll bet you never even thought of them as such:

Are you strong enough (or good enough or smart enough) to (Fill in the name of an action, for example, to drive a brand of car).

That is what I call the self-referential challenge claim. Clever, huh?

What kind of (man, woman) drives a (Fill in name of car)?

Here the claim for a product is being made self-referentially, based on the people who already own it or use it. Logic: Customers who use these products are appealing, so the products or services they use must be also. This is the logic that led so many wealthy people to invest with Bernie Madoff. Makes sense to me. Doesn't it make sense to you?

Superiority claims

Even when one product is truly better than another or an entire field of products, it is rare that advertisers just come out and say it:

The Mavs are better than the Spurs!

Our language allows us to paint shades of meaning in a single stroke. Consider the gradations captured in the following statements:

Only we can make that statement.
No one else can make that claim.
Few can match that achievement or make that statement.

And consider this oft-used and rarely-apologized-for slam at the competition:

(Fill in the name) is the complete solution.

If (Fill in the name) is complete, everything else must be incomplete, right?

Stronger still:

Only (Fill in the name) is complete; everyone else's solution falls short.

So now you can claim to know a thing or two about claims. And the next time you hear one little girl say to another little girl, ''My dolly is better than yours because it's mine,'' you'll know she is uttering a self-referential superiority claim.

Now go forth and make everything sound better than it is. Please.