Monday, December 24, 2012

My Holiday Recipe for more Peace, Love, Time, Faith and Money.

Given what we have all been through this year, what could you use more of right now?

Peace?

Love?

Time?

Faith?

Money?

All of the above?

Stop for a moment. Think carefully about your answer. Visualize your answer.

I am serious. Before reading any further, think about it. If your answer is all of the above, take a moment. Visualize what you would do if you had more peace, love, time, faith and money. Exactly how would having more of these precious resources change your life? How would you use them to improve your life?

Now continue reading.

With the end of the year approaching, here is an approach to communicating that can help you augment the first three (peace, love and time), and possibly the last two (faith and money).

You can use this approach in written and spoken communications. You can apply it in the workplace with co-workers, at family gatherings, or at parties.

It also works in every area of communications including business writing and artistic writing.

All you have to do is notice people. Not judge them. Notice them. There is a big difference.

By noticing people, you can improve your relationship with them. And that, in turn, can yield rich rewards.

Everyone likes to be noticed. That is universal. If you notice people, they will like you more. Notice readers in your written communications and they will like your writing more.

From what I have written so far, you might assume I am suggesting that you go around telling people that you like their shoes, haircut, purse, nails or clothing. But I am not suggesting that at all. Quite the opposite.

Issuing compliments does not necessarily create rapport with others, especially when the compliments are not authentic.

The trouble with compliments is that they are ''I'' statements. I approve of your shoes. I approve of your nails, etc.

I know this runs counter to all the personal success pundits who say you should search for something that you like about another person and tell them that you like that single thing. Flattery can work in some cases I suppose. It can even get you everything you are looking for if what you want in exchange for the flattery happens to be what the other person wants to give. However, this approach does not always lead to a feeling of mutual trust. It can also quickly become boring and seem like a chore if it does not come from the heart.

What is the approach I am suggesting you take here? Beginning sentences with the words, ''I notice,'' or opening conversations with what you notice, and, in the process, skipping the ego statement. When you address someone by telling them something you notice about them, you create instant rapport.

By following this approach, you will be making ''you'' statements rather than ''I'' statements. And you will be making yourself more appealing.

Imagine you are standing in line beside a woman who has little cartoon characters painted on her nails. You may hate little cartoon characters painted on nails. You may despise them. I am NOT suggesting you say to her, ''I notice how much I hate your nails.'' I'm not even suggesting you say, ''I notice your nails.'' Instead, I am suggesting you go more general and positive with a comment that gives the other person more freedom, more room to move.

Say: Oh, your nails are so colorful. Or: Wow! Nails that tell a story! Notice you do not have to use the words, ''I notice.'' But you could if you like: I notice you pay a lot of attention to your appearance. Or: I notice you put a lot of effort into putting your look together. Or: I notice you like fashion. Or: I notice your nails. How do they do that? Adding the question ''How do they do that?'' gives her room to explain.

The moral: What you think of her nails is irrelevant. As a direct result of what you noticed and mentioned, you will have an interesting conversation with someone that helps you establish rapport. In my opinion establishing rapport and finding out what makes people tick makes life interesting.

You will start having conversations with people you would never have dreamed you would have.

By noticing people, you will be giving them more freedom to be themselves, to feel more comfortable being around you. It's likely they'll reciprocate. They'll notice you. You'll find common ground. You might strike up a friendship.

Noticing your readers. It's not necessary to address readers directly in your writing in order to notice them. In your business writing you can show your readers that you notice them by writing about subjects that address their concerns as well as using appealing styles. It's pretty standard stuff: Doing an audience analysis before you begin writing, and writing to that audience in a way they appreciate.

Noticing your characters when writing fiction. What author would neglect to notice his characters in a novel or a screenplay when the success of the work is dependent on the writer's insights into what makes his characters tick? Not a very good one. Writers are constantly noticing their characters' internal concerns and conflicts and how they affect their behavior. Yet their characters are often capable of teaching their authors new insights and understandings of what they are capable of as a story develops. That is one of the things that makes writing fiction so much fun.

How can noticing others lead to more peace, love and time in your life? Building rapport with others makes you a more effective person. That, in turn, can bring good things into your life.

If my holiday recipe brings improved interpersonal relationships (and I believe it will) your life will become far more interesting. I hope you'll notice you have more peace, love and the time to enjoy being with your loved ones. And if you improve those first three, can the last two (faith and money) be far behind?

Happy Holidays, everyone!